finally goodbye // sweet, blessed, you

you slipped easily into my life

as easily as you slipped into the room

that first time i saw you

when i openly stared

and you glanced back

and my cheeks flushed

eyelids dropped

and my gaze hit the floor

but i couldn't peel my mind away from the view

sweet, blessed, view

of sweet, blessed, you

what it really comes down to

is that, you were foreign territory

but,

on my porch, after the first date

when we let go of the first hug

the way your hand lingered briefly on my shoulder blade

felt totally and completely familiar

and there are a million things i could say

but mostly the only words that seem to make sense,

are the ones that form around the sound of your fingers on guitar strings

and the look on your face when you started a song that you knew i'd love

and the way the look on my face felt when i recognized it

the way i felt my eyes crinkle

and my lips tipped upward, full and happy

and right then, i fell for you

i finally let myself fall for you

so much, irreversibly, in it up to my collar bones

with the head and shoulders whispering they'd soon follow suit

and oh, oh, did they ever

sweet, blessed, did they ever

and mostly

it's just a pervasive, thrumming feeling

that i'd like nothing more than to fit the curve of my body

to the path of your rib cage and the crook of your hip

and let you whisper goodnight stories

while my breaths deepen

and my eyelids get heavy

with the weight of every new, shared piece of you

and then there was the look of you

leaning over my bookcase

thumbing through my pages

tilting your head to read my titles

it felt like you were skimming the corners of my soul

and in that dark street

with my head tipped back to look you in the face

that part where i didn't break eye contact

and neither did you

i wish you could see yourself the way i saw you, right then

you had the ocean in your eyes

and desert sand in the warm lines around them

you looked like home

sweet, blessed, home

and that part where you crossed the room

to give me your blanket

when i hadn't even asked

just to make sure i wasn't cold

and you squeezed my shoulder as you tucked me in

i felt the imprint of your hand on my arm for days

and, technically, then, i wasn't yours

but in a million growing ways, i knew i somehow still was

and i don't think i could have stopped myself if i tried

when the sight of you climbing out of the car

in your simple gray t-shirt

loosed an audible sigh from my lips

and made my breath stop cold in my throat

there's just always something about you that moves me

and gray is my favorite color, you know

i know you know

and that one early morning

with you

and me, my scarf and marshmallow coat

with the icy air and the sun melting up and over the horizon

and the ebbs and flows of the swells in our easy conversation

and our easy silence

our quiet feet creeping along the path

with the faint sounds of lilting music from a nearby window

i don't know, there was just something

about hearing you talk about living your passion

sweet, blessed, passion

that made me want to live it with you too

but,

here's the thing....

you didn't want me

....and that's the whole thing

so i watched that movie

the one you said we'd watch together

and i made plans to visit that place

the one you made me promise i wouldn't explore without you

and i bought tickets to a show

our show

two shows

and i guess that felt sort of spiteful

but also sort of like healing

and i think i needed a little of both

and it'd been days, weeks

months, soon

when you squeezed my shoulder in passing

two days before a brief, unexpected email

almost so casual you'd think nothing had happened

and no time had passed

and i felt the familiar imprint of your simple touch

and i fell into your simple words

for just a second

until

my gut clenched

and breathing took reminding

and i wanted to pound my fists on the wall

and yell at the universe

to pleaseandthankyou remove your touch from my skin

and relay my unwritten reply

which i'm sorry, but it was

"leave me the hell alone"

it was your birthday.

and i would tell you that i remembered

but i won't.

because mostly, i hate that the day was yours.

i hated that it meant i was thinking about you.

not that i didn't, every other day,

but still.

you had no right to my thoughts.

you had no right to that day.

you had no right.

you have no right.

so then my heart went to someone else, you know.

yours did, so i followed suit.

and you were just a smudge on my mind, for awhile there

but then

oh

but then

my heart was back on the market

and soon, so were you

and i could feel you around the corner

so i dug in my heels

and pushed back with leaden hands

because

not this hurt again

please not this one again

but then we were face to face

and i wondered, in that moment

if all the things i told myself

about how someone else could be enough

and that you didn't need to be my someone

i wondered

as my smile cracked my face in half

and that old familiar electricity crackled from my skin and eyes

i wondered if, yes, this could be hurt again

or possibly hope again

sweet, blessed, hope,  finally, again

i wondered, i did

i took a step back in your direction

briefly

but just briefly

because then

oh, sweet, blessed, then

as quickly as it stole in

it was gone

simply, gone

and i was free

finally, free

like a weight off my chest

and all it took was a little truth

and some open eyes

and a healthy dose of realization

along with the details of the whole story

to finally peel your name from all my scattered thoughts

tear it from the walls, pull it from the backs of drawers

ease it from the cracks, crevices and under-the-beds

and give it away

relax my grip, and give it away

and to finally know that i don't need you

to finally know it

and finally mean it

that i don't want you back

that i finally don't want you back

and never will again

sweet, blessed, never will again