The Break-Up Ledgers

If you ever want to know how I'm feeling, check the scraps of paper hiding in my bedroom and pockets.

I always write it down. All of it. All my feelings, thoughts, ramblings, when something big happens....that's how I process it. Sometimes I start writing with the intent to send it to someone or publish it here, but then realize by the end of writing that just getting the words out of me in the first place was all I had needed. It's like an emotional, literary purge.

Anyway, while poking around earlier today, I discovered a few things I'd written during the crumbled, burnt-ember ends of a few past relationships. I guess I never posted them because....you know...what if the subjects of these pieces had checked my blog and seen them? No bueno.

But now that sufficient time has passed on each of these, I figured, why not share? So just in case you needed a little damper on your day...............here's two ghosts of broken hearts past :)

{one}

You are the first smudge on a clean slate.

The first almost, maybe, I'm trying, I tried, I'm sorry

The first tense shoulders and ducked head

My fault, your fault

We share this one.

We shared it til we split it

At the part where I wanted to bury the sword

and sink until the ground pinned me at the elbows

And you wanted to keep carrying it

And I'm sorry to leave it heavy in your arms like that

But what more was I ever good for?

For the record, I'm not that kind of girl.

Never, wasn't, aren't, won't be.

Even still,

You are the first smudge, but it's my guilty hands bearing half the ink.

{two}

It's almost like there is no name to you.

But you're everything, all at the same time.

I carefully practiced the way it should be. The way it would go.

I breathed in with steel toes

I had a system and a plan and a steady purpose

And I was winning. I was winning. I was winning.

I was winning and there was no room to slip or slide.

And then I woke up one day and realized I'd slipped anyway.

I didn't even see it coming but it blew right through me.

And my chest curved around the ache like a cannonball wound.

I breathed in with steel toes

but caught myself exhaling with weak knees

And it wasn't fair

It wasn't fair

It isn't fair

I did this right. I did this right. I did you right.

I filled in the lines and put things in their places

I filled in the lines and checked the boxes

I filled in the lines and dotted the i's

I filled in the lines from top to bottom and left to right

But I'll be damned if the spaces weren't always yours.